Success!!! Now Hopefully it Stays.

   I went to the doctor's office to get a blood pregnancy test done today. It came back positive with HCG levels of 80, and progesterone levels of 30. I'll go in on Friday to retest to make sure that the HCG levels are rising and that I'm not going to miscarry. Today would have been the first day of my period, and it has yet to peek it's ugly head out. It can just stay away for the next 9 months. I'm very excited, but still nervous that I'll lose it. Both my mom and husband have told me that things will be just fine. I'll just have to trust that.

Possible BFP!

   I've been hesitating to update this, as I don't want to get my hopes up too much. I think I might actually be pregnant though. Last week I had taken a pregnancy test to see if the trigger shot was out of my system or not. The pregnancy test came out negative. That was expected, as it wasn't long enough after the IUI to come up positive for pregnancy. I was happy to know that the Ovidrel was out of my system though, because this meant that if I got a positive after that, it would be an actual positive and not a false one. I also tested the next day just to be certain. That test also came up negative. Ok, now I was sure that the Ovidrel was out of my system.

   Fast forward to yesterday, May 12th. I had the IUI done of May 2nd. Yesterday put me 10 days past the IUI, so I expected it to still be too early to test. Then the notification popped up on my phone that my period should start in two days. I wasn't sure if between the Clomid and the Ovidrel that possibly my cycle would be a little different, but usually two days prior to starting my cycle I'll have light spotting. This hadn't occurred as of yet, so I decided to try taking a pregnancy test. I know they tell us not to test before the two week wait is up, but my curiosity got the better of me. I'm used to getting negative results on pregnancy tests, so it was too much to hope for, but sure enough the test came up with a faint positive. I couldn't believe it. To be sure I went and got a digital pregnancy test to ensure that I wasn't just seeing an evaporation line. The digital one came up with positive results as well. I was so excited! I told my hubby when he got home, and he was elated as well. I called the doctor's office this morning and they set up a blood test for tomorrow morning.

  The only reason I don't want to get my hopes up is the fact that a lot of eggs end up fertilized and began implanting and then are washed away with the next cycle. I really hope this one is the one that works and that in a day or two my body won't end up getting rid of it. It might sound sad, but I even went up to the spare room and started imagining how it would look as the new baby room! I told the hubby that I wanted to do a robots, pirates, and princesses theme. He looked at me like I was crazy, but he laughed anyways. I still think it's a cool idea.

  Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Second Two Week Wait

  I haven't updated much due to being so busy with school and work, but the first procedure turned out to be a dud. I got the second procedure done last Friday, so I'm now on day 6 of the second two week wait. I'm really hoping this one will be the one to work. Last time I only had one mature follicle. This time I had three. After they complete the procedure, I'm told to lay on the table with my knees up for about 15 minutes. I couldn't help but give both the eggs and the sperm a pep talk. This all seems so strange still.

  I started watching Baby Mama yesterday. That film with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I only got about halfway through because I needed to start making dinner, but I couldn't help but think, "What if my uterus is the wrong shape?!" I know, it's silly. I'm actually glad that I have finals next week. It helps me keep my mind busy. I guess the only bad part is that I'm actually worried that I may actually fail my Precalc final. I've never failed a final exam before. Eeek! This will be a study study study weekend.

Crowdfunding

So the hubby and I had this crazy idea to try a strange crowdfunding idea. We want to try to get our house paid off. If the fundraiser works, then we'll donate our mortgage payment to a charity for three years. It's out there, I'll admit. But it would be so awesome if it worked. I don't want to be in debt until I'm an old lady! Well, it's worth a try.

http://www.gofundme.com/8sdrms?preview=1

Aggravating 2 Week Wait

    With all the testing I've been through lately, I should have enough proof that I am perfectly capable of getting pregnant and having a baby. However, I've only gotten to see a positive pregnancy test once in my life. Two days after seeing that positive, I had a miscarriage that was completely heartbreaking. People tell you that it just meant that something was wrong with the baby. People will tell you how common it is and that you shouldn't worry. The thing is, when someone has a miscarriage, hearing that stuff doesn't make them feel better. It makes them wonder what is wrong with them. Every commercial that comes on TV about babies or families just drives the stake a little further into the heart. Every time a family member or friend announces a pregnancy or posts baby pictures makes the longing in the soul turn from a soft whine to a heart rending howl of anguish.

     I'm three days shy of being able to do a pregnancy test and I feel all sorts of anxiety about it. I can't help but wonder if I'll be one of those who ever gets to see a positive on a pregnancy test. Will I ever get to be a mother, or will I be forever left feeling empty about that part of my life? My husband doesn't want me to worry, and says that I should just not stress about it. That's his answer to everything, and he's usually correct. So I'll just attempt to take his advice for now and deal with what comes along the best I can.

IUI.

Today I underwent my first IUI. It went much easier than expected. After the HSG I was wondering if the rest of the process would be as painful. I felt a little crampy during the procedure, but nothing more than I would with an annual woman's appointment. I have had some severe cramping in the hours following though. I looked through some IUI info pages and found that this was pretty normal. One thing that I noticed in a lot of the fertility forums is people saying that cramping means good things after an IUI. The logical part of me wants to say that this is probably just a normal biological reaction to the process. I could be wrong though. I really hope we get a first time go with this one.

Eureka! We Found the One.

   I got the results back from the doctor for all the tests, and now I just have to wait to go to the follow-up appointment this next week. The hubby and I had decided originally to use Cryogenic Laboratories, which is a sister to the Fairfax Cryobank. We used the photo matching service to find a donor that looks similar to the hubby, and I have to say I'm slightly disappointed. They ended up finding all of or matches through Fairfax Cryobank which seems to charge about $100-$200 more per vial than the Cryogenic Laboratories. On the plus side, there was a donor there that both the hubby and I really liked, so we've decided to go with him. The only downside is that he's an anonymous donor.

  I've been doing a little bit of research on this, and I was really hoping to use an open ID donor so that when our hopefully soon-to-be child is 18 they could contact the donor if they really wanted to. I've read so many horror stories from "cryokids" of anonymous donors. So many of them seem to just hate life in general and seem to be really angry about their parents choosing to use an anonymous donor. Of course, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I'm sure that there are plenty of stories out there where the kids are well adjusted and are perfectly happy. I'm also sure that those wouldn't catch as much attention as the angry and dramatic ones. I know that even if our child is well-adjusted and happy, part of them will probably always be a little curious about their other biological half. I suppose at that point if they wish to find their biological other half, then we can help them to do that. We just won't know what kind of person our kid will be. Perhaps a person can never fully appreciate the decision to use a sperm or egg donor until they are in a position where they want to be a parent and can't due to one thing or another. 

   In the meantime, I have my plate quite full. I'm getting everything ready to go to a University next fall, trying to keep my grades up in my current classes so I can get my associates degree at the end of this semester, working part time in a increasingly drama filled workplace, taking care of a house and dogs full time, two wonderful step daughters part time, and just trying to enjoy life a little in between. 

HSG, AKA: Please Fill My Uterus With Dye

HSG. Hysterosalpingography. No, it's not a sound you make when you sneeze. I had only an inkling of an idea of what I was getting myself into. If you've read anything about them through other websites or blogs, you'll only hear about how much they hurt. So what happens?

After taking all your initial medical background then you will undress from the waist down and lay on an X-ray table. Although there were no stirrups for the feet, you are put into the same position you take when you have your annual woman's exam. Next they will insert a spectrum to dilate you and then use an iodine type solution to sterilize the uterus and to minimalise the risk of infection. Next a catheter will be inserted into the uterus so that the dye can go into the uterus and fallopian tubes. Next a balloon will be blown up to make it easier for the dye to flow and so that the x-rays can be taken. Then the dye will be inserted. At some point in there the spectrum was removed, and the balloon will be deflated a little and the x-rays will be taken. After the x-rays are taken, you're ready to get dressed and leave.

Now about the pain. For me there was a very small period of intense pain that only lasted a couple of seconds. There was also slight cramping like there is with a monthly cycle. It wasn't nearly as bad as people had described though. Ok, for just a second I had rethought the whole having a kid process if it was going to be that painful. It's not all that bad though. Really. Just a couple of seconds and then there is relief. Don't let what you've been reading on the internet scare you. Just think about the end result of achieving your reproductive dreams.

The best part was afterwards when I was texting my husband. The results had come out well. I was told everything was clear and that there were no blockages. He said, "So, does that mean we can start shopping for a baby?!" I had to laugh about that one.

Now the next step. Tomorrow I go for more blood tests, and hopefully Chris and I can start doing some cryobank searches. That seems like a whole other puzzle.

I Have No Idea What I'm Doing or: Choosing a Sperm Bank

So apparently the HSG test that I'm hopefully going to get done on Monday, if the demon snow storm doesn't close everything, is a procedure in which a dye is injected up into the uterus so that the doctor can make sure there are no blockages anywhere. I've heard that it is either not painful at all, or that it is so painful that you would rather get your hand stomped on with golf cleats than go through the pain again. I'm hoping I will not be experiencing the pain of a thousand pains. The doctor's office had called me and asked what kind of timeline and what kind of plan that we wanted to go with. I know I had told them before that we wanted to get donor sperm and all that. The nurse said "Oh! Well, then we just need to know what sperm bank you're going with and if you've already bought vials of sperm!" I told her that we didn't even know how to choose a sperm bank. She is going to send us some information apparently.

My husband and I decided to do a little research ourselves. We realized that we have no idea what we're doing. Several of the sperm banks do picture matching, so when we choose one we can send them a picture of the hubby, and they can choose some potential donors based off that. That's exciting. It's like going to the grocery store and choosing which cereal you want to buy. Only it's a vial of sperm from a complete stranger instead of Cocoa Puffs. I have to go back to the doctors on Tuesday so that I can get more blood tests. I'll ask them at that point in time what the next step is. I know that they run a business and all, but sometimes I feel as though we're just numbers in the big picture, rather than people. Hopefully their tone will change as they realize that we're actually going through with all this stuff.

In the meantime I find out that another friend is pregnant with her second child. I'm very happy for her, but a little jealous. It's just frustrating that we can't do this the completely natural way. Does that make me a terrible person? I'm just hoping that all of this goes well and that we're actually successful using donor sperm. I want to be a mother so bad.

Three Dog Life

As I've mentioned before, we have three dogs. Three. A three year old Malinois mix named Della, a year and four month old Pitbull mix named Ivan, and a seven month old Cane Corso named Chibi. It makes for a hectic day sometimes, but it's totally worth it.

We picked Della up from a local shelter, Wayside Waifs. When she first came to us she was afraid of absolutely everything! Ladders, guitars, bugs, the dark. You name it and she was probably afraid of it. She was also heart worm positive. The shelter told us she was afraid of men too, but she got along right off the bat with my husband. She also was completely house trained, was good with the kids, and seemed to really understand a lot of what we were saying. Still, as the months went on, she just seemed to get be getting kind of down. It was then that we decided that maybe another dog would be a good option. We looked around and finally decided on adopting a dog from the Mid-America Bully Breed Rescue. 

At first we looked at adopting older dogs. Puppies are usually sure to get adopted out, but I know that older dogs are difficult to find homes for sometimes. There always seemed to be something that wasn't a good fit with our home though. Some of the dogs weren't used to being around kids, and the other ones Della didn't care for. There was one beautiful boy that they brought over so we could introduce Della to them. She was having none of it! We decided to give it one last go, this time with a puppy. We decided that if it didn't work with a puppy, then she would probably be happier with being an only dog. 

One of the volunteers for the rescue was fostering a couple of puppies, so he brought them over. Both of them were completely adorable. Black fur with white spots. So huggable! Della and one of the puppies hit it right off. It was amazingly cute. We adopted Ivan and he and Della continued to get along great. Ivan was about 5 months old when he came to us and wasn't afraid of anything! He's been a bit crazy, but truth be told (don't tell the other two) he's probably my favorite. That brings us to Chibi.

My husband initially told me that we would never have three dogs at one time. Maybe I should've listened, but I love our life. He does too. He even admits that having three dogs is a lot of fun. We did get Chibi from a breeder. I know, tell me I'm a terrible person for buying from a breeder. Ok, done? Cool. Anyways, I had researched resuces, breeders, and the Cane Corso before deciding to buy. Besides Della's history with not caring for older dogs, none of the rescues had dogs suitable for small children at the time. I found a breeder that looked like it was pretty good and gave them a call. I didn't expect that we would be able to get a puppy for at least another 6 months to a year. They told us that they had one female that hadn't been spoken for, so we decided to go check her out just to see what we thought of the breed in person. 

All of the pups were still at home at that time, and it was so wonderful to see all those puppy faces running around and having a blast. My husband absolutely fell in love with them. We asked the breeder some questions about how they run their breeding business and we saw the conditions in which they kept their dogs. It was a family run business and the children were as active in it as the mom and dad. Their dogs were all indoor and outdoor dogs, extremely social, and bred for good temperament as well as health. They only bred their females twice before fixing them, and you could tell that they absolutely loved every dog they had. We put the deposit down and then when the pups were ready to leave their mother, we went and picked her up. 

It's been a lot of learning and laughing. Chibi was our first puppy puppy. It was challenging, but she's probably the most affectionate of the three. I've loved watching how the dogs interact with one another, and it's been a lot of fun watching Ivan and Chibi grow. Their antics are hilarious too. Ivan and Chibi get into a lot of mischief together, while Della is definitely the Alpha out of all the dogs. My hope is that someday I can start a Mastiff rescue. They're such wonderful dogs with big hearts. They can be a bit stubborn, but I think that just gives them extra personality. 

If you would like to adopt an animal or donate money or supplies to either Wayside Waifs or Mid-America Bully Breed Rescue, they are both wonderful organizations. 

Mid-America Bully Breed Rescue

http://mabbr.org/

Wayside Waifs

http://www.waysidewaifs.org/site/PageServer

Here We Go....Finally!

It's been an interesting year. We added two dogs to the family. Our first one was getting depressed. She is doing so much better now. Although three dogs makes for quite a bit more housework, they are such a joy to be around. I'm also in my last year of school at the community college. Should all go well, I'll be starting at the University come fall.

We also started discussing some different options for baby time. My husband had a vasectomy when he was with his first wife, so we've had to take the less traditional route to have a child. We had discussed getting a vasectomy reversal, but decided against it. Besides the cost, he is diabetic and we didn't want to chance a non-vital surgery. As much as we want to have a baby, it isn't worth risking his life for it. We finally decided on a squeamish option for some: artificial insemination using donor sperm. We saw a reproduction specialist who did the initial ultrasound to check out my girly parts to make sure it was a viable option. He said everything looked healthy. The next step would be blood tests. Just when we were about to start that whole process, financial disaster struck. My husband was layed off and it looked as though we would have to wait.

I'll admit, I was upset. I know that artificial insemination doesn't have the highest success rates, and those rates don't get any better as a woman gets older. I wasn't sure when or if we'd ever be able to afford to have a baby. I felt extremely depressed. It was horrible seeing people posting pictures online of the antics of their babies and toddlers. I would feel so awful when I heard of people getting pregnant or having babies. Then I felt worse about feeling bad! All wasn't lost though. My husband found a new job!

We still weren't sure when we could start the whole process. I kept going back to look over the paperwork from the doctor's office and attempting to do research on sperm banks and what-not. My husband and I finally decided to go ahead with the whole process, and here we are today.

The first process of the barage of tests was a blood test that needed to be done on day three of my menstrual cycle. The phone call needed to be made on day one. Day one of course was on a Saturday. I called the doctor's office anyways. Luckily they called me right back and set the appointment for today. I went in today and had a simple blood draw done. The results will be back in a week to a week and a half. The next step will be the HSG. Why do I have the feeling this won't be cheap?